Never better

As far as I am concerned, I feel better. Much better, actually. The big hole in my chest is getting smaller and smaller every day. It doesn't hurt as much as it used to. But, it's still there. I won't deny that it can't be permanently gone. However, it isn't mentally harmful anymore. I guess it has become a part of me somehow, like an old sad song. 

It did give me a lesson. A good one. To be honest, this whole thing wasn't easy at all. In fact, it was one of the hardest things I had to do. Nonetheless, one should keep it mind, if you have been through the worse, then from there nothing can get as worse; things can only get better from then on.

I guess nothing is wrong, really. There's pretty much nothing to point a finger to. I do have to admit the existence of nature's law through the most rational way of thinking, where things just happens as it is. After all, it is life. 

of 2013

I suppose it's the last day of the year. And here I am in bed, reading a book. 

But then I decided I might as well just write something. I can't possibly think of a better way to spend new year's eve. I like the silence. 

Well, I have to say I am more than grateful to have learned so many things this year. A lot, actually. People say third year is the hardest year in college. I wholeheartedly agree. Knowing some circumstances, this year is the most challenging, not only physically but mentally too. This year revealed things about me that I did not even have the slightest idea before. I shall be thankful to God for unveiling those mysteries to me.

People leave. And so, I've experienced being left not too long ago. It hurts. So bad. Nonetheless, I've met new great people. Inspiring people actually. And I am more than glad to call them my friends. I shall be thankful to God for showing me the world through their eyes. 

I looked at the past so many times this year, rewinding the moments of the past. It's pretty messy, and it is still unclear when it will be resolved. But hey, there is this Egyptian Arabic proverb that says "what's coming is better than what is gone". And to this day, I don't see a reason why I have to disagree.

Good night.

Home, I guess.

3AM. Bahrain's time.

I can finally rest my aching body on this super cozy bed of my sister's. But, no matter how hard I try to sleep, my eyes just won't close. I guess the 14 hours plane ride from Hong Kong wasn't as tiring as I would've expected. Or perhaps, it's the jet lag. After all, it's 9AM in Korea.

I got home exactly about 2 hours ago. My mother helped me unpacked my huge, yet half empty luggage. I can't really recall why I bought that huge luggage. I never really fill the other side. That luggage is always pretty much half empty whenever I use it.

This is my third time here, and this house would be the third house I will be living in. I guess it has always been a tradition in my family to move in a new house every year. My mom likes to move from house to house. I like it too. So as I recall, we never really stay in a house more than 2 years long.

Words can't describe how glad I am to finally see my parents after 2 years. I'm quite surprised how they didn't really change physically. My mom is still beautiful as always. I don't know how, but she hasn't aged a bit. So is my dad. I'm not saying just because they're my parents, but it's the truth. 

Oh and I miss my little sister. She's not coming this winter. I really wish she was right here with me, in her room. I'm certain we'd be talking and laughing until the sun comes up. 

I know I'm home. But why does it feel weird? I know I'm here but I'm not supposed to be. I feel like I belong elsewhere and I should be elsewhere doing something else. I don't know if it's my mind--again-- playing with me.

Hopefully this is just a temporary madness.

In between

Current view : 

4 Cathay Pacific planes parked in their corresponded gates and the Thai airlines airplane which is literally in front of me on the other side of the glass is connected to the catering services container by this 2 meter-long yellow metal bridge. And airport workers probably are checking the mechanic stuff.

I am currently writing from Hong Kong Airport in Gate 44. 1 hour away from Busan, the current city I'm living in. 5 hours away from Bahrain, my current destination where my much-missed parents live. And 2 hours away from Jakarta, the place I miss the most. Starbucks' hot green tea on my left of my laptop and my almost 6-years-old ipod classic on my right, playing Dexys Midnight Runners' Come On Eileen. Feeling grateful that I have escaped the cruel weather of Busan. I couldn't stand the cold. To be honest, it was the wind that killed my days.

This time, 6 hours is all I get to wander around Hong Kong. The last time I went to Bahrain, I had to transit for 14 hours. Alone. Good thing, I enjoy my own company. I really enjoy flights and traveling journey. But this time, I decided to just stay in, instead of wandering around Hong Kong. Walking along the long walk of this airport is something I don't get to do on a daily basis. The multi-bilingual announcement and the foreign language spoken is indeed the thing you would hear in an airport. I just had to turn off my ipod and enjoy whatever that goes through my ears. 

-- Korean obviously reminds me my current university life which I am more than happy to take a break from.
-- Mandarin reminds me of the one-year mandarin lesson I took with my uncle when I was in middle school in Egypt. I remembered being obsessed with the korean language but I couldn't take korean lesson because they had this rule where I had to be 17 in order to take the lessons. So then, my parents convinced me to take Mandarin instead, because it was more popular at that time.
-- Japanese reminds me of the first time I got a C grade in college. I took Japanese last year thinking that it would be fun learning another language. Well, apparently I was wrong. I had to learn Japanese in Korean. Plus, the professor gave us Hanja to study too. It was mad. I pretty much studied all night for the exam and C is all I got.   
-- French reminds of Paris, the city I was born. I miss it. It was probably the first language I spoke fluently. Too bad, I'm not good at it anymore. And I hate myself for not trying hard to even try to maintain that one sexy language. I still understand when people talk, but I find responding quite hard. I mixed up a lot with English.  
-- Urdu reminds me of my middle school days. I went to Pakistan International School Cairo in which there were lots of Indians and Pakistanis. One of my best friends, Beenish is a smart and beautiful pakistani. She used to teach me Urdu. I like how Urdu sounds, and I would love to learn it again.
-- Arabic reminds me of Egypt, the place I remember the most while growing up. I loved living there! But learning Arabic was indeed very difficult. It was confusing. Interesting though. I learned that each Arab country has their own Arabic language. I though they all speak the same Arabic. The Arabic calligraphy is one my favorite art. This is probably the reason why I enjoy visiting big mosques with the Arabic calligraphy patterned on their walls. It is just divine. I would build my own house with a touch of Arabic calligraphy on the walls. 

Eventually my faux leather boots wore me out that I had to get a book to read and a warm drink to kill this headache that has been going on since last night. Sleeping in a cold empty room without a blanket and a pillow is indeed not very comfortable. After some time, I then decided to write.

( Just now, an old man speaking in english accent just asked me to look out for his bag while he orders his coffee. *random )

Failure

Two days to the 23rd of this very last month meant packing. It is actually something I enjoy as it involves arranging, organizing, cleaning, and sorting things out. Not to worry, I reckon I'm still in the lowest stage of OCD. This hell of a semester is finally over and I'll be going home the day after tomorrow. Monday early morning, to be exact. 

When you pack, and you go through your things. Then suddenly a flash of memories comes through your mind. Then those things actually remind you the things you've been through the past years or so. Or just those simple happy moments that make you stop whatever you were doing and smile. It's a weird feeling, but intriguing. Including going through the books you own. Yes, I do have books. Despite being a design student here in this campus who does not really need books, my shelf is still full of books. They're novels, sketch books, diary, few magazines and some english books that I wish I didn't have to buy them. 

As I take my books from the dark brown wooden shelf, a piece of paper fell out from my business english book. A set of questions were written on that paper. I then remembered, it was the final speaking exam. Yes, the final exam was that easy. We were given a set of questions in advanced to study them, and on the exam day, we were to chose 3 questions to discuss with a partner. No 1, 6 and 8 were encircled. 

1. Introduce yourself.

6. What is failure to you?

8. Are you an organized person?

I remembered on that day, due to fact that 2 hours wasn't enough for all 20+ students to discuss their 3 questions, we then had to only chose one. No. 6 was my choice. 

"To me, failure is a process to success. Failure is required in order to succeed. This way, we can figure out what's wrong and what's right. Also, it motivates me to want to succeed even more."

That was my answer. Sean which happens to be the professor said "Interesting. That's something nice. I like your answer". That was probably the nicest thing any professor has ever said to me this whole semester. Sad, but true. Anyway, he then told me that he did agree with me. Although, in order to succeed, we try hard not to fail. To make it as perfect as possible.

Trust

I watched So I Married An Axe Murderer earlier today. Regardless of Sixpence Non The Richer's There She Goes being played almost every 15 minutes in the movie, I indeed love the soundtrack. Also, I would kill to live in Harriet's house. It seems that lights are not really required seeing the windows are pretty much wall-sized wide. I love the natural sunlight in a house. 

This movie is really light and simple. Although, trust was the main issue. Yes, pretty strong. And so, I concluded that I had to write something about trust. 

To me, trust means when you believe in someone entirely. Exclusively, a basic form of belief. Something or someone that you could depend on solely with your mind, heart and soul. Trust is something that you gain from someone and offer to someone, it cannot be bargained. Something primal and instinctive.

I'd say I do have some trust issue. There are literally less than 5 people in this planet that I trust. It's probably because I encountered twist of events that made me this way; I don't trust people easily. Instead, I have levels of trust that I give away to people. For example, I trust my typography professor to teach me about fonts, but I don't trust him to teach me motion graphics; I trust a taxi driver here to drive me around Busan, but I don't trust me to drive me around Jakarta; I trust my parents and my sister basically on everything. Simple and logical. 

Unconsciously, we give away our trust to people around us everyday. We give the parts of us everyday without realizing our act of trust to those people. Those parts are the essential, basic, instinctive part that have always been there ever since the first human ever walked on Earth. Trust is something that we are not supposed to give away easily except to God. Something that you should hold on to.

I can't seem to really, entirely, with my heart, 100% trust anyone yet. I have not yet found a person that I could count on completely, that I could really on wholly. Though, I know that someday I will find that person. All this time, most people that I used to trust ended up making me regret for giving them my trust. They just keep showing me why I shouldn't trust them. It's kind of disappointing when one misuse my trust. 

Trust is often misused. Hard to gain, easy to lose. Encountering events in life, I've learned that even being wrong has a positive side ; it gives you that feeling of knowing what's right. Everything has a bright side!

"Trust is like a mirror, once it's broken you can never look at it the same way again."

Priceless

Arts

Life without art is just 'eh'. That's what they say. Indeed, I wholeheartedly agree. I've been acquainted to art ever since I can remember. All sorts of its forms never fail to astound me. One can never get enough of exploring arts. There's always something behind every piece of artwork that is hidden. And discovering it has always been delightful. 

Drawing

If I am flabbergasted at anything, it is of how one can create such a beautiful piece with just a piece of paper and a pen. Countless sketch books I own, and still I can never get enough of them. Drawing is probably the best brief getaway. It doesn't need a reason. It provides you the world when you can't even imagine how to find the simplest description of the unexplainable things.

Books

I take pleasure in losing myself into books where the writer creates a whole new world that does not really exist and I, the reader become the characters I could never be in real life. The feeling of being lost offers me a certain kind of redemption that no one can give to me willingly. Books are always welcome. The journey is what keeps me going -- good or bad, they are both mind-expanding. Long live books!

Writing

If there's one thing that's not changing, it must be the growing habit of me, writing something every one day before going to bed ever since I was in middle school. Yes, every single day. Just simple phrases, nothing extraordinary. They incarnate the days I live. They make me honest with myself when I cannot be with others. They make me tell things that I do not dare to tell. As long as I am able to write, then I'm doing, at least, pretty fine. It's incredible how few paragraphs can actually define the complexity of one's thoughts. Sometimes the lack of ideas strangles me, but it does make me think and it makes me feel alive.

Music

Another art form whose medium is sound and silence. This may sound overrated, but it is easily the simplest of truth. Contrasting to books, music is more vivid and less detailed. Nonetheless, their magic is as intoxicating as the books'. Music acts on us in ways that one cannot put into words. Despite the fact that I cannot unravel the connection between sound wave and the chemicals in the brain, but there they are, existing metaphorically, blocking the racket surrounding us. They are necessarily my full-time companion.

Tea

A drink that particularly mute the world's cacophony. That moment when the world went silent for just a split second as I inhale the aroma of its exquisiteness eases my mind. The scent comforts me like the warm maroon sweater on a december night. It certainly makes me feel safe. It makes you feel at home.

I drink tea more than I drink water. 

"Always"

(a caution of word : It's just those days where I wish I go to Hogwarts)

The coldness of this winter month surely contributed to the lazy nights as I felt safe and sound at three in the morning, under two layers of blanket where an overloaded exaggeration covered up my head as I witness my all-time favorite movies from this 13-inch screen. Divine.

Given the fact that it's always been impossible for me to either watch one Harry Potter movie without watching all of them or to read a Harry Potter book without reading all of them, the Harry Potter movie and reading marathon have always been my cup of tea. And will "always" be. My eyes were the most splendid body part of the week as I get to witness all the Harry Potter movies in the past 12 years in a week. This took me back to my childhood days. 

I remember watching the first Harry Potter movie exactly 12 years ago, in this very month back in 2001 when I was 9 years old. I could still remember Frank Sinatra's Can't Take My Eyes Off of You being played in the small break in the middle of the movie. Yes, cinemas in Indonesia used to give a small break in the middle of the movies. I didn't quite understand the movie because obviously I couldn't really speak English. Let alone english, I couldn't even speak my own language, bahasa Indonesia that well. Regardless of my assumption by just observing their body language, I was truly amazed by the movie. It's like I've never seen anything like it before. To me, it was something new. Including the almighty British accent. 

I then moved to the land of pyramids and eventually watch the the third, fourth and the fifth movie there. I remember having all the 13 posters of the third movie I got from a Harry Potter edition magazine hung on the wall of my room in that apartment in Mohandessin street. Not to mention, the action figure of Harry in the gryffindor quidditch uniform on his nimbus 2000 that stood on my lamp table right next to my bed. That was when I started to read the series. My mother got me the first three books from this second hand bookstore in Ma'adi. There were all in french. I must say I was quite disappointed they weren't in english. As I recall, my french skills became a potentially problematic issue as my english got better. Even so, I'd consider myself a fool if I didn't read the book just because I didn't want to read Voldemort's complication in french. 

Going back to Indonesia and transferred to a new high school in the first year, fresh air must have been very difficult to come by as I incontrovertibly gave my all on my academics and the wearisome adaptations. Even Harry Potter and the Half-Blood prince couldn't mess up my relationship with my A-level Biology book. I couldn't help but indulge the countless fascinating scientific terms in that 20mm thick book. How could I possibly missed Harry Potter and the Half-Blood prince? (believe me, I've been asking myself that question for years). Silly of me. It took me long enough to finally watch the sixth movie which I watched at home when it came out in the TV. It actually felt weird watching a harry potter movie that I haven't watched in the cinema first, in TV. Not to repeat the silliness of mine again, I certainly made sure that I had to watch the seventh movie in the cinema. And so, I did. 

Moving to Korea, I got to use a smart phone which gives loads privileges. I then finally read all the series in english using the pdf reader. I desperately need to get all the books. In english. Seriously. I watched the last movie two years ago in my first year here. It was very emotional. I couldn't possibly think of a better ending than the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. I just hate to go with the fact that I won't be looking forward to another Harry Potter movie or book. However, as J.K Rowling stated that whether you come back by page, or by the big screen, Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home is indeed true. At least that's what I feel. If I am amazed at anything, it is at how crazy that I can re-watch all the movies again and again and still have the reactions like I've never seen it. Even though I basically mouth to their lines. And I do take pride in it. As for the books, I just wish I could read the books for the first time again.

The greatest thing about these books is the life lessons I get that I never could have dreamed of. They are basically relevant in our lives that we never could have imagined. 

-- Dumbledore taught me that sometimes we must pick between what is right and what is easy. And he also taught me the existence of life beyond death.

-- Hagrid taught me to be loyal to those who are loyal to you.

-- Snape taught me to be brave. To fight for a true love.

-- Lupin taught me that no matter how bad things get, there's always a way to survive.

-- Sirius taught me that your family does not define who you are.

-- Voldemort taught me that the things you fear the most are the things you understand the least.

-- Arthur taught me that to follow your dream is far more important than following the crowd.

-- Molly taught me that I can always rely on my mother.

-- Narcissa taught me that family always come first.

-- Luna taught me that being myself is more interesting that being someone else.

-- Neville taught me that standing up to your friends is harder than standing up to your own enemy. 

-- Malfoy taught me that everyone has feelings and that we never really grow up until we face an impossible task.

-- Hermione taught me that cleverness is far more important than looks.

-- Ron taught me that a true friend stays with you until the end.

-- Harry taught me that we must fight as though everyone depends on us and that anything can happen if you really fight for it.

Last but not least, I learned that people can be really bad in this world, but as long as there are people willing to fight for what is right, and to fight for love, the world can still be a nice place. 

Eight movies, seven books, there I was, somewhere in that magical world, away from the world I am living in. Harry has always been my childhood hero. A one of a kind hero. Growing up with Harry, Ron and Hermione is anything I could ask for a proper childhood. In some way, Harry Potter will always own a place in one's heart. And by all means, there is no necessarily need for further endearment.

For a moment, or maybe way longer than a moment, I really wish Harry Potter's world does exist. 

There will be nothing quite like Harry Potter again.

Thank you J.K Rowling, for giving me such a magical childhood. 

The way I see it

Setelah seharian gak mandi dan cuma berkutat dengan berbagai macam program adobe dari mulai bangun sampai mau tidur lagi, dari mulai mata yang susah dibuka tapi kebuka juga sampai gak tahan pengen merem dan tidur aja, gw pun buka youtube dan mencari hiburan. Ya begitulah gw, bukannya tidur malah nyari hiburan dulu. Abisnya, tidur jam 1 rasanya kurang afdol gitu, kayak ada yang kurang. Maklum, setelah seharian super duper galau dengan tugas yang numpuk (tapi mending galau tugas sih, capek galau mainstream gak kelar-kelar), gw berhak dong ketawa ketiwi sedikit. After all, it's sunday. Dan menurut gw, so far ini cara paling enak buat nikmatin hari minggu. Setelah kuliah full dari hari senin sampai jumat, terus main seharian di hari sabtunya, hari minggu itu emang pas banget buat mager-guling-gulingan-di-kasur sambil nugas (kalau inget dan niat). 

Anyway, pas banget dengan kondisi gw yang lagi butuh hiburan, malesbanget.com baru aja nge-upload episode baru dari Jalan-Jalan Men 2013. Sebenarnya udah di-upload satu hari yang lalu, tapi entah kenapa video Jalan-Jalan Men gak pernah muncul di my subscriptions page gw di youtube. Ujung-ujungnya, harus gw cari juga. Jalan-Jalan Men adalah acara travel series Indonesia dari malesbanget.com dimana Jebraw dan Naya adalah host-nya. Sebenarnya, malesbanget.com terbentuk di tahun 2002, tapi acara ini baru ada sejak pertengahan tahun lalu. Dan gw ngikutin sejak itu. Ini acara super duper keren banget level dewa demi apa pun gak paham lagi. Kalau kata Jebraw, triple pecah. Ini acara bercerita tentang Jebraw dan Naya yang mencari harta karun di Indonesia. Bukan hanya menelusuri tempat-tempat yang emang udah terkenal di Indonesia tapi mereka juga ke tempat-tempat di pelosok Indonesia yang mungkin belum pernah diketahui. Ini acara amatlah sangat berhasil memperlihatkan ke-imba-an kekayaan Indonesia. Every single episode of this show amazes me. Ini satu-satunya acara yang setiap episodenya hanya berdurasi kurang lebih 20 menit gak pernah gagal membuat gw ketawa, terpukau, terpesona, merinding, terkagum-kagum mangap gak kelar-kelar, bahkan meneteskan air mata saking tersentuhnya (rada lebay, but true story).

Di episode kali ini, mereka ke Labuan Bajo yang berada di NTB. Sebagian besar penduduknya bermatapencaharian petani. Pemandangan sawah yang dilihat dari atas gunung sih fix cakep. Beda dari episode-episode lain, episode kali ini lebih fokus ke interaksi dengan orang-orang bajo. Mereka ini tinggal di desa yang berada di atas gunung. Walaupun cuma berdurasi kurang dari 20 menit, gw belajar banyak dari episode ini. Sebagai orang yang biasa dengan tinggal di kota, gw tertampar melihat betapa simpelnya mereka menjalani hidup ini. Mereka gak perlu kesejahteraan materi karena mereka udah punya kesejahteraan akal dan hati (aseek). Makanan sehari-hari mereka langsung dari alam sekitar mereka. Fresh. They're basically living to just keep on living. Gak ada tuh yang namanya galau-galauan. Beda banget dari orang kota yang udah kenal uang dan bahkan dijadikan patokan untuk menilai segala sesuatu hal. Itu yang membuat orang gak pernah puas dengan apa yang mereka punya, dan selalu ingin lebih. Padahal terkadang apa yang kita mau bukanlah sesuatu yang kita butuhkan. Dan kita selalu merasa yang kita gak punya itu lebih indah dari yang kita punya. Padahal, kalau di lihat-lihat sih yang kita punya itu sama indahnya dengan apa yang kita gak punya. Satu lagi yang gw belajar dari orang-orang Bajo yang sangatlah ramah. Mereka gak menyambut tourist sebagai tourist, tapi tourists disambut seperti keluarga sendiri. Katanya, menurut mereka tourist yang ke Bajo itu orang berkelana yang telah pulang kembali. No wonder, they were very welcome and were able to interact really fast with the tourists as if they knew them. Dengan kata lain, sosialisasi mereka tinggi. Bahkan bisa dibilang lebih tinggi di banding kita yang ngaku-ngaku anak "sosial" banget. Sosial "media". Apa iya kita makin sosial? Menurut gw sih enggak. Justru dengan bertambah fokusnya kita dengan dunia maya, kita makin socially awkward. Ugly truth.

Yang gw suka banget dari Jalan-Jalan Men adalah cinematography mereka yang epic banget (sekedar info, nama tim mereka tim epic lho). I'm in love with the way they capture Indonesia. Simply, breathtaking. Sudut-sudut mereka ambil gambar itu wow banget. Ditambah dengan Jebraw dan Naya yang ngebawa acara ini effortlessly asik. They're really awesome people. Indonesians are indeed awesome! So is indonesia. Di sini, sangatlah bisa dilihat kalau orang Indonesia itu emang ramah orang-orangnya. Selain kekayaan Indonesia yang berlimpahan dan keramahan orang-orangnya yang membuat gw berterima kasih dilahirkan sebagai orang Indonesia, makanan Indonesia juga merupakan salah satu alasannya. Gw gak kebayang kalau gw gak dilahirkan sebagai orang Indonesia dimana gw gak bisa nikmatin rujak, sate, bubur, soto, nasi padang, rawon, rendang, dkk in my daily life. I dare say, "makanan Indonesia itu baru yang namanya makanan!" (iklan banget). 

Gw gak setuju dengan pernyataan dimana kita harus melupakan perbedaan di antara kita untuk menjadi satu. Justru, perbedaan itulah yang harus kita perhatikan dan hargai. Instead of ignoring the fact that we are different, I think we should embrace that difference. Itulah Bhinneka Tunggal Ika (perasaan post gw sebelum sebelum ini juga ngomongin Bhinneka Tunggal Ika). Perbedaan itulah yang membuat Indonesia unik. Perbedaan budaya, perbedaan bahasa, perbedaan agama, makanan juga amatlah sangat beragam, warna kulit yang berbeda-beda, tanah aja beda-beda (secara indonesia negara kepulauan). Cara pandang dari berbagai macam orang pun berbeda-beda. Dengan perbedaan itulah, kita seharusnya bisa saling melengkapi satu sama lain. Dan barulah bersatu.

Orang-orang Indonesia selalu bertanya kapan Indonesia akan berubah? Gw juga dulu salah satu dari orang-orang yang hidup dengan pertanyaan-pertanyaan seperti ini. Bahkan, gw dulu ngata-ngatain Indonesia. Tapi gw sadar caki maki gw gak bakal ngerubah Indonesia (bikin capek ngomel, iya). Justru kita yang harus berubah, karena perubahan itu mulai dari kita sendiri. Jujur, gw masih belajar mencintai negeri gw ini. Dan itu adalah sebuah proses yang indah (caelah). Dengan pandangan kita yang selalu negatif terhadap Indonesia, apakah kita layak mendapatkan semua keindahan Indonesia? Gw rasa enggak. 

Berkat acara ini, keinginan gw untuk keliling Indonesia semakin menjadi-jadi. Yups, dibanding keliling dunia, gw lebih pengen keliling Indonesia. Bisa dibilang acara ini has changed my perspective about Indonesia. So far, gw baru ke pulau Jawa, Sulawesi dan Bali aja, gw sangat kagum dengan ketiga pulau tersebut. Gimana kalau liat harta-harta yang pulau-pulau lain punya? Dulu gw pengen keliling Indonesia karena menurut gw itu keharusan gw sebagai orang Indonesia. Tapi sekarang alasan itu pun berubah. Gw pengen keliling Indonesia karena pengen melihat kekayaan alam negeri sendiri dengan mata kepala sendiri. Gw pengen mengenal Indonesia lebih jauh. Dan gw yakin dengan berkeliling Indonesia, gw bisa belajar banyak hal dan mungkin bisa merubah gw menjadi lebih baik dengan melihat Indonesia dari berbagai macam sudut pandang orang-orang yang berbeda. Indonesia has a lot to offer. Apa yang anda mau, Indonesia punya. Entah itu dari segi alam, ataupun budaya. Dari pengalaman gw travelling ke berbagai negara, Indonesia is the richest country in this world. Gw emang belum keliling dunia, but so far that's the way I see it.

Pertanyaannya bukanlah "Apa yang Indonesia punya?", tapi "Apa yang Indonesia gak punya?".

Another Subconscious Arbitrary Interpretation

Lights.

The crowd was enjoyable. It wasn't over-crowded. Some way it kept me from getting carried away with all the vulnerable emotions. Yes, they are still there, haunting me. It felt good standing there. Countlessly pressing the shutter button of my G12. I just had to ignore the bitterly cold weather. It wasn't that freezing actually. But denim button up on a denim semi-blazer surely wasn't the right attire. My hands were numb. I should have known denim certainly do not keep you warm. In fact, the black shawl that was wrapped around my neck saved the day. Going back to my room after actually leaving my dormitory just for the sake of getting that shawl is absolutely another good decision apart from getting my self a hot white chocolate mocha latte today.

I couldn't afford to ignore another subconscious arbitrary interpretation of mine. Supposing that there was only one light shining, then it wouldn't make it as a pavilion. And if the lights were one color, it would probably be dull. Well, it wouldn't be as appealing as the colorful one I saw. This reminds me of the official national motto of Indonesia, Bhinneka Tunggal Ika which is translated as "Unity in Diversity". Just saying.

Mari lari

Nama : Saras

Umur : 21

Hobi Baru : Lari

Lari dari kenyataan.

Kenyataan pahit. Kenyataan busuk. Kenyataan bullshit.

Sampai kapankah kaki ini akan lari dari semua ini? Entahlah. 

Akankah pertanyaan itu menemukan jawabannya? Lagi-lagi, entahlah.

Betapa membosankan jawaban-jawaban seperti ini. 

Bukannya tidak ingin menemukan jawaban selain "entahlah", tapi rasanya mengikuti kakiku yang ingin terus berlari adalah hal yang tepat untuk sekarang ini. Hasrat untuk berhenti pun hampir tidak ada. Walaupun lelah, nyaman rasanya. Dan sangatlah tidak adil jika kenyamanan ini pun tidak bisa kumiliki. Untuk sekarang, hanya itu yang kuminta. 

Perasaan siap menghadapi ternyata hanya dalam benak pikiran. Nyatanya, keputusan untuk tidak bergerak dari kasur malam ini (this has nothing to do with kemageran saya) sulit dikalahkan. Tekatku untuk berdiri dan melawan bisikan setan lagi-lagi gagal. Manusia lemah. Sesusah itu kah? Menelan pahitnya semua ini. 

Kalau kata orang, pengecut. 

Ouch. It still hurts.
But it's okay, I'll just grow a new heart.

Pergantian

Lagi-lagi kemageran saya masih berlanjut sampai detik ini pun. Entah kenapa badan berasa berat sekali. Apa mungkin karena kebanyakan tidur? Tapi hari ini saya gak tidur seharian. Justru bisa dibilang hari ini saya lumayan produktif dibanding hari-hari kemarin.

Walaupun kelas hari ini baru mulai jam 1 siang, jam 10 saya udah bangun (berkat alarm sih). Dan setelah sekian lama gak bikin egg toast, pagi ini dengan lahap saya menyantap egg toast bikinan sendiri *super satisfied. Dan di kelas pun, dimana saya yang biasanya lelap tidur dan bisa-bisanya mimpi, walaupun disertai keluhan saya buka illustrator dan mengerjakan itu buku portfolio yang gak kelar-kelar GAK PAHAM LAGI. 

Ketika kelas tiga jam itu kelar, seharusnya saya dan teman saya langsung cabut ke tempat les. Berhubung melihat langit yang rada mendung, ditambah juga dengan gerimis, serta udara yang sejuk, batal lah kami ke sana. Sesimpel percakapan pendek ini : 

S : Gila ini udara sih bikin mager bgt, enaknya tidur ini mah!

M : Yauda, kita balik aja yuk! Besok aja kita ke sananya.

S : Okeh sip.

Rencana kami ke sana selalu batal dari minggu ke minggu. Entah berapa banyak alasan kami. Dan kali ini, udara sejuk lah alasan kami.

Udara di Busan yang semakin hari semakin dingin (ya iyalah, namanya juga mau winter) bikin kemageran yang udah level akut ini mendobel. Gak kuat rasanya keluar dari kamar (derita anak tropis). Perjalanan yang biasanya sebentar terasa sangat panjang. Belum lagi kejadian saltum seperti hari ini yang bikin saya menggigil sepanjang hari. Salah saya juga sih gak ngecek weather forecast sebelum memilih baju. Weather forecast emang sangatlah penting buat yang tinggal di Busan yang cuacanya cukup labil. 

Cuaca labil ini lah yang bikin gak enaknya pergantian musim. Siang masih berasa panas, tapi kalau udah sore mulai berasa dingin. Baju yang saya pakai dari pagi berasa pas dengan cuaca. Tapi, berasa super salah pakai baju itu ketika kelar kelas sore atau malam. Rada serba salah. Dan lagi-lagi, di pergantian musim ini, AC satu asrama di matiin kurang lebih selama seminggu. Jadi, siang-siang saya dipenuhi dengan keluhan-keluhan kepanasan. Belum lagi kamar saya yang menghadap ke depan, jadi sa.ngat.lah terekspos dengan sinar matahari (ampe silau). Beruntunglah orang-orang yang kamarnya menghadap ke hutan (jadinya kamar mereka adem-adem gimana gitu). 

Hal kedua yang bikin gak enaknya pergantian musim sih cukup common, yaitu sakit. Yup, semua orang jadi batuk pilek. Dan itu sudah menjadi hal biasa di kampus gw. Orang-orang jadi bindeng dan batuk-batuk. Virus dimana-mana. Minyak kayu putih pun selalu setia menemani setiap saat (udah kayak iklan). Untung saya baru aja dapat kiriman stok antangin dari mama. Walau ke ujung dunia (ca elah), saya gak akan bisa pisah dari minyak kayu putih dan antangin. Namanya juga orang Indonesia.

Dan lagi-lagi, hari ini saya cuma bisa berharap supaya besok gak dikalahkan rasa malas lagi. 

Aneh-ness

Aneh rasanya malam ini hanya duduk di depan laptop, membaca artikel-artikel random di Jakarta Globe sambil mendengarkan pramborsfm. Malam ini terasa panjang sekali. Waktu seakan berhenti. 

Satu minggu terakhir ini, setiap malam biasanya di padati oleh jadwal rehearsal Knock, Knock, Indonesia 2013 dari jam 8 sampai dengan jam 12. Belum lagi perjalanan dari tempat rehearsal yaitu indoor basketball court yang berada di perpustakaan sampai dorm yang dipenuhi dengan ketawa-ketiwi yang engga ada habisnya bersama teman-teman. Di tambah godaan-godaan ayam goreng ministop (semacam seven eleven yang berada tepat di depan gerbang utama universitas saya) yang rasanya kurang lebih sama seperti ayam goreng KFC. Ayam goreng ministop ini sangat laku di kalangan mahasiswa-mahasiswi Indonesia di kampus saya. Jadi, biasanya setelah rehearsal kami berburu ke ministop berebut ayam goreng tersebut. Sayangnya dari 6 hari rehearsal, hanya sekali saya bisa menikmati ayam tersebut. Sebenarnya nggak sehat juga sih setiap hari makan makanan instant. Yaa tapi sangatlah beruntung itu Bapak ministop satu minggu terakhir ini. Dagangan ludes.

Anyway (back to topic), kurang lebih jam 1 biasanya baru bisa settle depan laptop memulai atau melanjutkan tugas-tugas. Ya, begitulah kehidupan saya satu minggu terakhir ini sebagai mahasiswi dan pengisi acara sekaligus panitia. Bahkan berkat rapat panitia yang baru kelar jam 4 subuh, akhirnya saya ketiduran dan telat 20 menit pada kelas yang mulai jam 8 pagi keesokan harinya. Dan saya malah berpikir "ini baru namanya kuliah!". Jujur, saya bukan tipe yang susah bangun. Asal ada alarm yang berbunyi, pasti saya bangun. Kejadian itu baru dua kali terjadi pada saya selama saya 3 tahun kuliah. Intinya, satu minggu terakhir ini sangatlah super hectic. Tapi saya hanya menikmatinya saja. Dari pada bete-bete di keadaan yang udah super rebek, mending di nikmati saja. Ya memang ada saat-saatnya dimana ingin sekali mengeluh. Walaupun begitu, saya selalu mengingatkan diri sendiri untuk tidak mengeluh. Toh, mengeluh nggak memperbaik situasi juga. Saya memang suka dengan kesibukan-kesibukan mengurus sebuah acara besar karena itu sebuah kesempatan bersosialisasi dengan orang-orang di sekitar dan juga bisa dijadikan pengalaman yang bisa kita pelajari. 

Jujur, saya tidak masalah dengan adanya latihan setiap malam. Justru saya merasa terhibur karena setelah sekian lama, angkatan saya bisa terkumpul kembali. Istilahnya, nongkrong bareng. Maklum sudah tahun ketiga, jadi pada sibuk dengan kesibukan masing-masing. Walau saya tetap saja mencuri-curi waktu untuk menyicil tugas saat latihan. Ya memang resikonya adalah waktu tidur yang harus saya relakan. Toh, acara ini hanya setahun sekali. Sekali-kali, enggak apa-apa lah. Kalau mata berkantung hitam sih saya udah biasa. It has become a part of me.  

Bukan hari ini saja dimana saya merasa aneh hanya leha-leha di kasur. Kemarin pun begitu. 20 jam dari 24 jam saya habiskan di kasur, itu yang saya rasakan. Kalau kata anak jaman sekarang (termasuk saya), mager. Entah karena emang kecapean atau beneran mager. Atau mungkin, preparing last week's event was so exciting that anything I do now won't be as exciting as what I did last week. Entahlah. It feels like you just finished reading a good book and you don't know what to do after that. Makan pun nggak nafsu. Saya emang jagoannya menahan lapar seharian. Mandi pun mager. Ew, jorok. I know. Agak akut sih kalau saya udah mager. Padahal rambut masih kaku bekas hairspray kemarinnya. Tapi malamnya mandi kok (hasil pemaksaan massal teman-teman).

Intinya saya bosan. Banyaknya waktu luang tiba-tiba. Baru aja beberapa hari yang lalu saya mengeluh 24 jam itu nggak cukup. Sekarang malah berasa 24 jam terlalu lama. Ketika 24 jam itu tidak cukup, menyicil tugas-tugas yang menggunung justru terasa gampang. Dan ketika 24 jam itu terasa terlalu lama, memulai tugas saja susah sekali. Huf, saya (maunya apa). I desperately need a mood booster. 

Thirty

30 questions on the 30th

1. Trying on some clothes.

2. I've changed a lot. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I get to meet many different type of people during my time here, and I think each of them has at least given something that made me what I am today. I've been through good times and bad times this past 2 years being a foreigner here. I've learned a lot. Looking at how people grow, they become more individualistic. So am I. I guess that's how people are. 

3. I actually don't get attracted to a person that easily. I would say, I'm somehow picky. A smart, logic and realistic person attracts me the most. I tend to observe people and try to actually understand their personality. I even try to put my self in their shoes sometimes and wonder what's going on in their mind.

4. Underwear and a tank top.

5. ...

6. Him. The reason is indescribable. 

7. Cheating is easy. How about trying something harder, like being loyal?

8. My passion in my future career.

9. 

10. I never tried both. I have no intention on trying them what so ever. And I never will.

11. Stress-free. Single life has its own charm.

12. I don't even know where to begin.

13. Scuba diving.

14. I don't mind eating food that fell on the floor.

15. Had no class on Monday!

16. Sociable. Lively. Open-minded.

17. Let my parents down.

18. I've no intention of doing that again. Big regrets.

19. Solat.

20. I can't remember.

21. Him.

22. I'll just mention one ; I'm actually deep. 

23. "What if I said No that time" 

24. ...

25. Smart, real, logical, well-mannered, funny, knowledgeable, honest, talented, great taste in music, tall figure.

26. Alhamdulillah, a Muslim.

27. My forever best friend.

28. May. Went to Thailand with friends for my graduation trip.

29. Seriously?

30. I'm starting to be myself again. I hope things will get better next month.

Content

Due to the fact that I have been literally sleeping all day, I have no intention of sleeping tonight what so ever. I haven't been productive these past two days. Well, I wasn't planning to be either. I just wanted to sleep all day, and that's what I did. I feel content. No regrets at all. 

Apparently I was worn out this week that I slept the whole day for two days in a row. I still think it was a good weekend though. I'm having those days where I don't want to care or think about anything and just be one with my bed. I couldn't even bother to answer any calls. Let alone answering calls, I didn't even care that my phone was off. Alone time has been pretty good these days. No tears.

With all the chaos that has been going on lately, feeling happy is rather a rare thing for me. But then I've come to realize the key to happiness is balance. Not every good thing could stay on top of the wheel. Sometimes, one could be on top of the wheel. Sometimes, one could be on the bottom. But, it is not possible for one to fall apart completely. There's always something to hold on to. You just need to look at the bright side. Finding happiness is easy and simple. It is everywhere. You just need to look a little closer in order to find it. 

Life is indeed fair. One just need to see it from a different perspective. 

Wee wee weekend!

Selesai juga minggu UTS ini. Sebenarnya minggu UTS gak ngaruh ke gw sih. Secara di jurusan gw udah gak ada lagi yang namanya ujian. Ujian tuh pas tahun pertama doang ujian theory-theory gtu. Itu pun cuma satu atau dua pelajaran. Sisanya hanyalah tugas-tugas yang gak ada hentinya. Dan sampai detik ini pun, hanyalah deadline-deadline tugas yang selalu ada tiap minggu. Intinya ujian gak ujian, minggu-minggu gw di penuhin tugas menugas.

Dan lagi-lagi seperti biasa, kalau lagi minggu rusuh ujian begini, anak-anak design selalu aja dapet celotehan "enak yah santai, gak ada ujian, gak harus pusing-pusing belajar cuman gambar-gambar gitu". Pertamanya sih fine-fine aja, lama-lama capek juga dengerinnya *gak terima di sepelekan. Iya memang benar, justru di minggu UTS kadang-kadang malah beberapa kelas di liburkan karena biasanya satu minggu sebelum minggu ujian itu deadline projectnya. Jadi, dosen meliburkan dengan tujuan memberi kita waktu buat belajar pelajaran lain. Well, karena gw gak ambil pelajaran lain yang aneh-aneh, rada santai sih. Di samping pelajaran jurusan, gw ambil pelajaran jurusan inggris buat naikin IP. Dan juga udah eneg belajar pelajaran jurusan ama dosen orang korea. Jadi butuh refreshing dikit. Ya itung-itung, biar gak lupa juga ama bahasa inggris (udah kebanyakan bahasa yang di pelajarin). So, ujian gw hanya pelajaran inggris yang emang gak perlu belajar. Bukannya sombong, tapi walaupun pelajaran jurusan inggris, gw berasa itu pelajaran anak TK. Dengan kata lain, gampang. 

Setiap jurusan itu ada enak dan gak enaknya masing-masing. Dan menurut gw gak bisa di compare. Ya kali jurusan design ada ujiannya, soal macam apa yang akan ada di kertas ujiannya? Karena praktek, pastinya hanyalag ada project-project dibanding ujian. So, gak bisa juga di bilang enak kalau anak design gak usah pusing-pusing belajar karena kita gak ada ujian. Justru, menurut gw, anak-anak design itu lebih stres. Karena kami diharuskan untuk berkreasi, berimajinasi, sedangkan jurusan lain mengikuti teori buku (deritanya kuliah di sini adalah buku-bukunya dalam bahasa korea, jadi itu susahnya). Misalnya, betapa susahnya kami menguras otak buat mencari ide atau sebuah concept. Belum lagi nyeseknya, kalau ternyata ide atau concept tersebut ternyata udah ada yang pakai. Kami gak bisa jalan kalau concept belum fix. Dan mikirin concept itu gak segampang itu karena banyak banget hal-hal yang perlu di pertimbangkan seperti target design tersebut, sesuai dan tidak sesuainya dengan temanya, dan masih banyak lagi. Dan kalau concept udah fix, mulai lah galau-galau lain berdatangan. Contoh, warna dan font adalah galau utama gw. Walaupun pemilihan warna gw itu-itu aja, tetep aja setengah mati milih warna, bisa berjam-jam. Dan biasanya nih, besoknya pas otak udah kembali fresh lagi baru nyadar kalau pemilihan warna kemarin itu ternyata rada aneh dan jadi gak sreg. Ujung-ujungnya nyari warna lain lagi. Pemilihan font juga salah satu galau yang membutuhkan waktu lama. Entah itu besar kecil font tersebut, warna apa font tersebut, pakai huruf besar atau kecil, jarak antar kata dan huruf, dimana penempatannya, dkk. Mau font apa aja lama banget nyarinya. Udah ketemu pun, mesti di obrak-abrik lagi.

Pokoknya, memutuskan segala sesuatu hal itu pasti ada resikonya. Sama dengan halnya gw memilih design, gw tau kalau setiap minggunya bakal kebanjiran tugas. Dari awal semester sampe akhir semester pasti gak ada abisnya. Satu-satunya minggu tenang memang minggu ujian dimana orang pontang-panting bergadang belajar. Tapi di minggu biasa, merekalah yang santai dimana gw nahan ngantuk ngerjain tugas. Tapi jujur, gw gak pernah nyeloteh kenapa mereka bisa santai di minggu biasa karena gw tau semua itu ada resikonya. Gw malah bersyukur gw gak harus berkutat dengan buku-buku tebal penuh dengan tulisan bulet-bulet dan kotak-kotak. Dan kalau emang enjoy, walaupun capek pasti di bawa seneng, toh lo melakukan something that you actually love. 

Simplicity

Yup, karena kepala udah penat, gw akan nulis dengan bahasa Indonesia. Mau bagaimana pun, gw adalah orang Indonesia dan kalau lagi penat, keluarnya bahasa Indonesia.

Setelah seharian gak mandi dan ngerjain tugas portfolio book yang belum kelar-kelar juga (yang ada makin galau dengan pemilihan warna), gw jadi banyak berpikir. Karena portfolio itu ngumpulin tugas-tugas dari awal sampai sekarang, gw jadi ngebuka-buka folder-folder lama. Kalau di liat-liat sih ya emang gw improve *pede, dan ternyata piihan warna gw dari tahun pertama tuh ya gitu-gitu aja. Emang warna-warna tersebut apparently ngerepresent gw. Itu sih kata temen-temen gw.

Di buku tersebut, gw harus menulis profile gw. Gw tatap tuh layar laptop gw berjam-jam, bingung juga mau tulis apa. Sampai sekarang, itu halaman masih kosong karena gw langsung lompat ngerjain halaman lain. Emang gw gak bisa diem di satu tempat. Untung deadline masih jauh. Dulu, gw selalu ngacir panjang lebar kalau di suruh nulis essay tentang diri sendiri. Makin kesini, makin bingung mau nulis apa tentang diri sendiri. Apalagi tentang masa depan. Yup, galau masa depan makin menjadi-jadi. Gak kerasa tahun depan udah kelar (sebenernya sih kerasa bgt). Sebenernya udah tau sih mau ngapain setelah lulus. Tapi masih mempertimbangkan option-option yang lain juga. Kalau gw gini, entar begini. Kalau gw gitu, entar begitu. Gimana enaknya yah? Mungkin gw belum menemukan passion gw sebenernya. Karena sampai sekarang pun, gw masih suka mencoba segala hal. Dan gw enjoy bisa a little bit of everything. And I don't wanna be stuck doing just one thing. I like to do a little bit of everything. Kembali lagi dengan gw yang orangnya cepet bosan. Entahlah.. Semoga galau ini cepat berakhir.

Eneg juga seharian mlototin nih illustrator. Entah berapa minus mata gw yang  bertambah tahun ini. Dari pengalaman gw 3 tahun terakhir berkutat dengan design, semakin simpelnya sebuah konsep, semakin susah juga mengerjakannya. Dan makin kesini, gw lebih suka yang simple karena emang terlihat bagus. Remember, simplicity is sophistication. Kenapa susah? Karena kita harus keep it simple! Berhubung jurusan gw adalah desain komunikasi visual, jadi menyampaikan pesan secara visual itu tujuan utama gw. Sebagus-bagusnya design anda, tapi kalau pesan yang mau disampaikan gagal ya otomatis gagal juga design anda. Yang susah itu adalah bagaimana menyampaikan pesan yang begitu banyaknya dalam konsep yang super simpel.